Confrontation

Part 2

 

 

In my last devotional I began a two part thought on Confrontation and I would encourage you to read it before reading this one so you will understand some basic misunderstandings about confrontation. The truth is most of do what we have seen modeled when confronting problems whether what we have seen is life giving or not. The Bible is VERY clear on how to deal with confrontation so that it does not destroy but rather enhance our relationships with others. Consider this the below.

 

 

Wrong attitudes towards Confrontation:

 

·       Winner takes all.

 

This person lives to be right failing to realize it should be their goal to create a win-win situation. As sad as it is most people approach confrontation with mindset of in order for me to win you must lose. If this thinking is within a person they fail to realize this is the source of most of their conflict and confrontational matters. If I win and you lose we both lose therefore I must free myself from the “I have to win and be right” mindset lest I continue to down a path that leads to nowhere.

 

 

·       That confrontation destroys love, trust and support.

 

The truth is without confrontation a relationship will never become all that it can be. As I said earlier people are people including ourselves and we all have problems and make mistakes that must be confronted. To confront someone or to be confronted is not an indication of the lack of love or commitment it can actually be the opposite. Janice and I as I write this have been married 32 years and our love for each other has grown beyond anything we ever imagined as teenage newly weds. Over the last 32 years and still today we have loved each other enough to confront our issues but we do it without going into an attack mode that would damage our love for each other. Confrontation only destroys when it is an attack on the person.

 

 

Ways we tend to handle confrontation.

 

Walking away from it.

 

This person often says peace at any cost. There are times when walking away would be the best thing you could do, at others it is the worst. I have often said having peace is more important then being right and generally speaking that is true but there are times when you must take a stand regardless of the opposition. As I heard one person say, we must choose our battles so everything doesn't become a war. The key to this is to remember to not make issues bigger than they really are. Whenever I am tempted to act or not act in a difficult personnel situation, I should ask myself two questions:

 

(a) Am I holding back or acting for my personal comfort?

 

(b) Am I holding back or acting for the good of the person and the organization?

 

We confront to much for personal things and not enough for organizational things. If it is a personal issue it often needs to be left alone.

 

 

Whine over it.

 

I heard a person say when I complain I do it because it's good to get it off my chest. When you complain I remind you that griping doesn't help anyone. The truth is and always will be that complaining does not change anything. I have often told people around me if what we’re whining and complaining about others needs confronting do so and if not stop whining!

 

 

Hope it will go away.

 

This person pulls the ostrich head in the sand deal to avoid dealing with it. There are issues this can be done with but not all of them. To just simply ignore the issue and pretend it will all go away is not the answer. Part of leading is dealing with people and people have problems just as we do that must be confronted in a loving and not resentful manner. As long as you lead people and live on this planet there will be times when confrontation is a must and hoping it will go away will not make things better.

 

 

Work at it from a Biblical standpoint.

 

 

Practical Steps In Confrontation:

 

1. Confront directly and personally.

 

Don't save up things and unload them all at one time. Don't do it through a letter or email unless there is not other way because it is the most one sided way of confronting there is and it often sends a message that you did not intend to send. Emails and letter are the LAST resort because words on a computer screen or paper cannot demonstrate your heart in the matter. Most often things seem much more negative than intended when it is not face to face. In our day it is easy to hide behind the computer and use it as our security but in the end we will create more problems than we solve. Jesus said in Matt 18:15 "If a brother sins against you, go to him privately and confront him with his fault. If he listens and confesses it, you have won back a brother. TLB

 

 

2. Check you motive and attitude

 

We should neither be overeager or hesitant to confront when the needs demands it. One of the questions I have learned to ask my self when needing to confront an issue is am doing this to straighten out the other person? Many times I have confronted with the goal to set them straight failing to realize I was creating more problems than I was solving. I learned the hard way until I can go to the person with a heart to help them the pending issue may not be as damaging as my approach. When I find myself with the wrong attitude as I often do when dealing with people who should know better I have to apply the grace that I preach so I can see the person and the value that God places on the them lest I end up hurting someone out of my need to straighten them out. I am by my personality makeup a bottom-line, direct and you don’t have to guess what I’m thinking type of person. The overuse of my personality strength is I can be to direct and confront things to quick rather than finding wisdom of waiting until I adjust my attitude.

 

ALWAYS remember that everyone does things for their reasons not ours so when confronting be careful that you do not have your mind mind up as to why someone did something and it will make life much easier.